Dude, this pisses me off.

And I don't freakin care if my mother is reading this. I'm gonna say what I feel and I can because this is my journal and I express my thoughts freely. Don't like it? Don't read it, mother.

I'm not happy. Wanna know why I'm not happy? My mother. She has a really bad habit of pulling this stupid ass petty guilt trip whenever things don't go just perfectly to her freakin liking and by damn, I'm sick and DAMN tired of this. I am 20 years old. And I'm sick of all of this crap. Let me explain.

This week, my nephew has been down from Kentucky to give his mother, my cousin a break because she just had her second child. So, little 18, almost 19 month old nephew Will has been down with us. Now, I knew he'd be down here and I don't have a problem with it. Wanna know what I have a problem with? My parents. Will's been an absolute dream. He's been perfect.

My mother won't listen to anything I have to say about any of this so, I have resorted to writing a damn blog about it just to get my freakin two cents in. Wanna know why? Because my mother thinks that she is queen of the damn world. What does that mean for me? I can't get a freakin word in edge wise! So, I have to write about it in this blog and if she chooses to read it, then by damn, read it. This is the only thing I have that she doesn't have. She followed me on myspace, she followed my on facebook and with her looking over my shoulder, I always felt that I couldn't express my thoughts and opinions myself. I will not mention her name just for her privacy sake but let me explain. Most of the time, I love her. No, all the time I love her. It's her character traits I hate. She has this really bad habit of putting a guilt trip on whomever is around her. Anyone that knows her would disagree. But guess what, folks, Mama D ain't so sweet all the time. Ask me or my brother and even my dad. We will all atest to the fact that she has one hell of a guilt trip talent. I can't stand up to her because of the whole damn respect factor. So, I have to resort to telling the world about it in my blog. Yeah, ain't that sad? Well, it's true. Okay, let me finish my story.

My nephew's down this week. The first night he was here, we were all sitting in the living room enjoying him and watching him play. Naturally, we set the play pen up in Mom's room thinking that she would want him in there. I can't remember whether or not it was me or my father who asked where Will would sleep this week. My mother looked straight at me and said, "I thought we were clear that he would sleep with you." Now, keep this in mind. I have no problem letting Will sleep in my room. In fact, I welcome it. I love him. And I would not mind one bit having him with me. I just was not told that I would have him. And I tend to studder my words when things take me by surprise. My mom thinks it's me making an excuse because it came out as, "Well, I...uh...okay. Uhm, when was this decided?" Not my best choice of words. It was suppose to come out something like, "Oh, that's cool. I didn't know this but it's cool." That would have been better, right? Yup. But me in my studdering self made her think that I didn't want him in there. Her next response was, "He'll sleep in my room, if it's too much of a deal with you. My God, April, if you don't want him to sleep in your room, then just say so." All of this said in a very mean and sarcastic way as if I was saying, "He's a hell child and I don't want to incovenience my life and have him in my room waking me up at all hours of the morning." I babysit kids for crying out loud. I get up EVERY morning at 6:30 or 7. You think I would care if he slept in my room? Hell no. But to her, it was apparently "disrespectful." Whatever. It wasn't. I didn't have a problem with it.

Well, after that last statement she said, I just turned around with a hurt look on my face and went to my room. Not fifteen minutes later, I walk back in the living room and see Will's play pen in Mom's room. So, the next day, she says to me, "April, he's gonna have to sleep in your room tonight because I get up at 5 to get ready for work." Well, this time I was a little better with my speech, anticipating that she'd come forward and ask me that. I immediately responded with, "Sure, no problem." In a very positive voice. Now, she would think that what she said got through to me and I was sorry. In a way, I wanted her to believe it. But I was never being disrespectful to her. Never.

So, he slept in my room that night and every night he's been here. Again, I don't have a problem with him sleeping in my room. He's a sweety. Well, today, I wasn't feeling as perky as usual. This happens at this time of the month. I wasn't as cheerful as I was. Welp, Will and I played tonight and at about 9 or 9:30, I came out in the living room. Will was crying and I heard him from my room. So, I came out to see him and see what I could do. He was fighting on the couch. Mom was trying to get him to calm down enough to sleep. He fought and I asked what was wrong and Mom looked up and said, "I'm trying to get in to sleep." So, I stood there for a moment and Mom stood from the couch and went to the rocking chair. Well, it was obvious that Will didn't want to go down without a fight. I looked at him and he giggled. Mom looked at me and said, "I'm trying to get him to sleep." I simply nodded and looked at the TV. Through the corner of my eye, I could see him still looking at me, smiling. I made the statement, "I'm trying so hard not to look at him." Mom sighed and said, "Well, he's gonna keep looking at you as long as you stand there." I nodded, turned around and stated, "Well, I'll fix that problem. I'll go to my room." Here's where the story builds up to what the first half of the blog states. She came to my room not five minutes later, Will down by her side. What she said to me pissed me off but I pretended that I learned a lesson. She said, "Let me tell you one damn thing. You act as if having Will down here is an inconveniece to you. You barely help take care of him during the day then, you disappear in your room at night and stay in there until someone comes in there with him already asleep and put him down" and so forth and so on. This pissed me off. I love my nephew. But I'm not the pro with the kids here. I did not ask to have him down here and I wasn't expecting me having to watch him 24/7 which I don't. They, or my mom, think that I don't want him down here. Bull. I love him. I will never EVER turn my nephew away. I love him and I play with him. She came in my room right at 10 and laid him down. She didn't even look at me. Hey, that's fine with me. She's about to get an email fired at her. And I'm not holding back. I'm sick and tired of this crap. I'm 20 years old, damnit. I am an adult and she has NO authority over me. The only reason I still live at my stupid ass home is because I go to Hinds and they don't have on campus living only the one in Raymond does and I go to the one in Rankin county. But she's about to get a nice email sent to her. I hope it reaches her because I ain't holdin back. Have a nice damn night.