Tonight, I am sad.

I'm upset tonight. Why? Everything came down on me tonight. I don't think I have ever been so sad and exhausted along with frustrated and upset all at the same time. I had church tonight where I took care of my cute little children in the nursery. I'm not really sure how the upset started. But I took Andrew (as I always do) into the sanctuary to give to Amanda because that's my job. Then, I went back to the nursery where the older kids were and waited for their parents to come get them. Nothing to set off my upset.

I rode home with my mother tonight like I normally do. I normally don't take my car to church on Wednesday's because I ride with my dad and come home with my mom. There's no use in bringing three cars when one parent would be up at the church at one point or another. Plus, gas is expensive and I don't wanna spend the cash.

On my way home, my mom was so upset and depressed. See, her passion is singing and there is a certain someone who upsets my mother. And tonight, she upset my mother to a point of my mother almost crying. She wouldn't talk much and only said that her day was hard. So, I didn't push the issue. I just put on my headphones and listened to music from my iPod.

So, we get home and I come in my room. I sat down on my bed. Nothing was on. Not the tv, not the computer, not my music. I just stared. And I just started crying. Why? I'll tell you. School has been horrible. Most people know I'm taking Creative Writing. In that class, I am always talked down in. I'm a creative writer and I assumed this class would be right up my alley, right? Creative writer in a creative writing class. Perfect connection? Wrong. Horrible connection. I kept this to myself and never told anyone about this but the teacher told us to write a short story on a subject of our choice. So, I chose a fantasy world. I was brave and said I'd read my story first. (I'm always one to be the first to do something. I'm a doer. I like to get it done with fast.) So, I read the story. Now, after most everyone else, there were light claps and some saying that the story was good. Not with me. They all just kind of looked at me. And the creative writing 2 students bashed me. And when I say bashed me, I mean they basically told me that my story was horrible. I wanted to cry. I mean, I really wanted to cry. I took what everyone said and I excused myself from the class. I walked out to my car and just started crying so hard. I mean, that's a serious let down to someone who aspires to be a writer.

Not only with that happening, my mother has had her fair share of medical problems. And then my father gets diagnosed with diabetes. He already has high blood pressure and there is a serious history of heart disease in my family. He's 49, overweight, and now has diabetes and high blood pressure. That's so scary. And he keeps saying how horrible he feels and everything and my fear is that one day I'm gonna come home and find him gone. And I don't want that. That was another emotion I came out with today.

But the thing that really got me was creative writing. I was told by my professor that I had to come up with a poem that didn't suck. And that was her nice way of saying "You had better bring something that doesn't stink." I got home today, sat down in front of my computer and tried to write something amazing. But nothing came to me. And the emotion of that first day hit me all over again. Who tells someone that they stink at the thing that they are passionate about? I've talked to my professor about it but her words to me were, "Suck it up. You're in college now. And if you want to make it in life, then you have to take criticism." Okay, I understand that but she does not have to be mean about it. Oh man, I need some encouragement from someone. I'm so upset and hurt. My passion is writing. But how am I suppose to follow my dream if even my professor says that I suck? That hurts. Deeply. I'm just so...I don't even know how to describe it.