"School's In!"

I still can't believe it's already August and I'm already back in school. Yesterday was technically my first day. But I consider today to be my first day as well. My class schedule changed yesterday so, when I go back to my M/W classes tomorrow it'll be like first day all over again. Today was really just meant to meet the teachers. My Algebra teacher was the only one that did a lesson for the day. Everyone else didn't.

Well, I'm so close to receiving my Assosciate in Arts degree. I met with my counselor (which just happens to be the Dean of Student Affairs and I know him personally. He goes to my church. My hardest job is remembering when I see him at school, I'm suppose to refer to him as Dean Heindl (pronounced h-eye-n-dul) and not Michael, which is his first name. But I'm learning. But we sat down yesterday and had about an hour meeting looking at the classes that I would need. He managed to work around a whole bunch of red tape and made it easier on me. He had a layout of exactly how many more hours I need in order to graduate. Basically, I have to take 14 hours this semester, 12 hours next semester, and 12 hours in the next semester. Which means I'll be walking in the December graduate line. My parents are really pushing me to be the best I can be. Both them and I were hoping that I would be able to graduate in the spring but it is virtually impossible to handle that. So, that's what that is. The idea came up for me to take summer courses but one, it's too crammed, two, I won't get to walk, and three, I have a full time job during the summer. So, that was scratched out real quick. But my parents were generous enough to accept my idea to take yet another semester off when I graduate from Hinds. But because I want an apartment down in Hattiesburg and not a dorm, I have to come up with the money for a security deposit and also for month to month rent. I have a steady paycheck coming from the church because I work full time there. But what I will do is while I'm off that semester, I'm gonna look for a job and not spend any money on indulgences. It will be used for gas for my car, and my cell phone bill.

Michael also set my schedule in stone. He dropped me from Art Appreciation and added American Lit and Intro to Computer Concepts. My parents joke at me about the computer class. In fact, I was standing outside with my mom and dad and they were like "You better get an A in that class." My dad's a computer engineer. I'm hoping I will be pleasantly surprised going into the class. I'm excited. After tomorrow, I will have gone to every one of my classes.

Okay, I'm sleepy now. Bedtime!

"A Summer's Reflection"

Every year about this time, I do a blog about my summer. Well, I say blog but it's a journal. A written journal. But I figured since I got this thing yet I never post on it that I would do it on here. I usually do my reflection on events that have happened, either good or bad. So, shall we start? Yes, let's. We'll go by months, starting with May.

May 07 - Well, I finished school. I have to take College Algebra again (don't ask). I got a call from one of my good friends to watch her child who is six. I accepted, of course. Well, after that, I got a call from my neighbor. She has two little girls that she wanted me to watch. Of course, I accepted that. For the month of may, I was getting a weekly paycheck of about 200 dollars. Not bad, right? The kids stay with me from 7am-4pm. Pretty awesome. Things are going smoothly.

June 07 - The first part of the month was good. The paychecks were wonderful. Notice I said "were". I got a call from my neighbor. She explained that her husband is having issues with his shoulder and is not working until further notice. So, she said that the girls would stay with their father. I got a 125 dollar check from her. Now, I was only left with the paycheck I get from the little boy I watch. Which isn't bad. It's 60 dollars a week. It ain't anything to be sad about. Well, things got better. I started talking to this great guy named Keith. He is the sweetest guy ever. I never ever thought we would connect the way we did but we have. And he agrees. Him and I are fastly becoming best friends. He lives in Arkansas but he lived down here in Jackson for a while. He's such a great guy. I am attracted to him but I'm old fashioned. I'm waiting for him to make the first move. We'll see where this goes. Well, June wasn't all bad. I found out from the nursery worker at my church that I would be coming on as a full time paid worker. That check is a monthly check. Though it's monthly, the check itself is great. Roughly about 275 a month is where that stands.

July 07 - July's here already. I can't believe it. Just one more month and school starts. I've been concentrating on working. Jordan's a great little boy. I've found that since I've been saving a certain amount from my paychecks that I have a lot more money to splurge. I bought a couple of games that I've wanted for ages. I don't like asking my parents for money anymore since I get my own paycheck but there are times that I just have to. I.E. when my gas tank is touching the red and my car is sputtering. Splurging is fun and all but I need to learn to conserve enough money to maintain the gas in my car. I've found myself asking for gas money and it's no one's fault but my own. Plus it doesn't help the fact that I only have a 14 gallon tank. AND the ECG valve went out on it which sucks the gas right out of it. But it's been good for now. I'm working on it. In July, I found an old Super Nintendo system along with three classic games. All work great. I'm all excited. Not only that but according to Paul (my drum instructor) I'm doing great and he wants me to practice at church. The only problem is I'm shy when it comes to playing. So, I always put it off being too scared to do anything. I'll play the drum set in the choir room all day long but I won't play the one in the sanctuary. Not because I think I suck but I'm so scared to play it, thinking that everyone will come in and think that I suck. I've only been playing since November and I want to get better. So, I've been shy about that. My nephew came down to spend a week with us. His mom just had her second child and Will was to stay down here with me. That was good. He's so adorable. The last time he was down here, his hair was strawberry blonde. Now, it's blonde. Or, sandy blonde. But still just so adorable. He slept mostly in my room but not without me questioning why. That led to the first really big fight with my mother. Not fun. We made up but still.

August 07 - Not that much has happened yet. August 20 is when I start my classes. I'm excited to see Mary again. We have speech together. But again, I have to take college algebra again. Not fun. But Michael is the new Dean. I'm so excited. He's awesome. But August didn't come without problems. My mother and I got into another fight. And it was a stupid one too. I had an obligated family thing I had to go to. On my mom's dad's side of the family, we got some rich relatives. And my mother and I were invited to a wedding shower. I didn't mind but I had to dress up and deal with the stares from the relatives who know that I am not the richest of the family. Not only that but the person who planned the shower is a person that both my mother and I abhor. Seriously. She ain't a nice person. All throughout the shower, she was steadily edging up to get into the conversations that I was carrying on with my great Aunt Ann and my cousin Misty. When my mom came over to join our convo, the person planning the wedding saw that as an invitation and got as close as she could and started snapping pictures. I felt like a movie star because she was just like the paparazzi. So annoying! But no worries, my mother put her in her place and we continued our conversation about my grandmother, who was on the beach at the time of the shower. On the way home from the shower, we stopped by my brother Scott's house. I finally showed him how I played the drums. He had been bugging me to show off what I know or he'd know that I can't play. Well, I showed him that I could indeed play the drums. Well, once my impromtu play came and went, I was introduced to Jazzie, Scott's exgirlfriend's cat. She has caramel covered fur with some blonde in it. We found that she was fixed, house trained, and sweet natured. Mom caved and we adopted her. She lives with us now. We introduced her to the dog and the dog was scared of her. Quite amusing, actually. Jazzie went up to the door and hissed and growled at Dakota all the while, she is attempted to slice him through the plexiglass. Still in all, it's funny.

That's the summer as of this day, August 8. I bid you all farewell. MUWAH!

Courage under Pressure

I've calmed down since my last post. My mother and I have made up (as if anyone actually reads this thing lol) and we have a new respect for each other. She's being more receptive to my thoughts and ideas and I am giving her the same respect. We're communicating much better and I'm living my life as an "adult" in her eyes. Now, that being said, I have new responsibilities since I told her how I felt. I now completely pay for my own gas (which is about 10 dollars worth every week. i don't make enough money to put a full tank in it. 10 dollars usually gives me roughly 3 gallons of gas. Meaning I can go 100 miles before filling up again. During the summer, it's not that big of a deal but once school starts, I doubt 10 will get me through the entire week.) and I also am more independent when it comes to errands on the weekend. I play the drums and I have a lesson every Saturday. Before the email was fired to my mother, my father or her would take me because the drum lesson was way out on Lakeland Drive. Well, since then, I've expressed that I would be taking myself. It works out perfectly for me anyway. I can relax when I drive out there. I can get my thoughts straight and listen to music that has a good solid drum beat that I can follow. So, since my last blog, all has become well. Now, the reason for this blog.

I had to go to the bank today. I love it because I'm depositing my money that I worked for. Only bad part is I only get so much a week with babysitting. I get a good paycheck, mind you but the big paycheck I only get once a month. Then I get a paycheck from the other child I babysit which is usually what keeps my gas tank not on empty. But today was a bit different. I didn't have the seven year old. I got up early (as I always do when I have him) and unlocked the door. As I was coming back into my room, my cell phone buzzed telling me that I had a text. So, I got it out of my purse and checked it. It informed me that the seven year old would be staying with his stepdad. So, I had the day off. So, I came out of my room and into the living room. My mom's door was shut. Now, naturally since it's 7:30 in the morning, the first response is that she overslept. So, being the well behaved daughter that I am, I gently open her door and tell her it's 7:30. She informs me that she knows and she's staying home today to clean the house. Of course, that made a little light click on in my head saying that she should have some help cleaning. So, I told her I'd vacuum and dust as well as clean my bathroom and my bedroom. She told me that was fine but sent me on an errand first. I had to take both hers and my deposits to our separate banks. I purposely went to my bank last because it made more sense since my bank was right at a redlight on 49 and I could go 49 south to get back to my house. There was virtually no traffic so, I didn't have a problem. Or so I thought. As I was approaching the last Richland redlight down 49, the light turned yellow. I was about 50-100 feet away from the light when it turned yellow and I thought I could make it through. Wrong. As I was going through it, I looked up and saw that it had just turned red. I thought I'd be okay so, I scooted on along the rest of my destination. That is, until, I saw the familiar sight of red, blue, and yellow. Richland's finest was sitting at the last redlight and saw that I had ran it. Now, I was booking around 60-70 miles an hour down 49. Speed limit's 55. My natural response was that I was speeding. Nervously, I waited for him to come to my car. Sighing, I put the car in park and took off my seatbelt, anticipating him to ask me to step out of the car. My car is a mess and that is a redlight for a search for drug contraband. I had nothing to hide but that's what I was anticipating. I never turned the car off. But I took my seatbelt off. Here he comes to my window. First response was, "I'm so sorry officer." The last thing I wanted was a ticket. You see, when I got pulled over the first time (in the Flowood distrcit), my story didn't really make sense. I knew what I was trying to say but being so nervous, I couldn't get my story out right. Well, this time I was prepared. The speed honestly gets away from me on 49 because there are so many hills. And as it turns out, I was coasting down a hill on the way to the Florence limits. I hadn't made it there. He was older and the assumption was he was a Sargeant. Smart thinking. He was. How do I know? Younger police officers always went back to their car to check the license number. This man took my license and ran it at the window of my car. He had a fixed grin on his face as he listened to me appologize. He crossed his arms and said, "What do you think I pulled you over for?" This question was a bit confusing. But I answered with, "Honestly, I thought I was speeding." This prompted a chuckle from him. "Well, you were but i can look past that." He said. I looked at him rather strangly. "Then, what was I pulled over for?" I ask him, calming down a little bit. "You ran the redlight at Conoco." My heart dropped. "Really?" I asked nervously. He nodded slowly and handed me back my license. He grinned, tipped his hat, and said, "Have a good day, ma'am." I smiled and lit up and said, "I get a warning?" He grinned, turned, and said "Yep. Have a good day, kid." He winked and returned to his car. So, I got a break. Which I'm not complaining about. It's awesome when things work out like that. It was awesome.

Dude, this pisses me off.

And I don't freakin care if my mother is reading this. I'm gonna say what I feel and I can because this is my journal and I express my thoughts freely. Don't like it? Don't read it, mother.

I'm not happy. Wanna know why I'm not happy? My mother. She has a really bad habit of pulling this stupid ass petty guilt trip whenever things don't go just perfectly to her freakin liking and by damn, I'm sick and DAMN tired of this. I am 20 years old. And I'm sick of all of this crap. Let me explain.

This week, my nephew has been down from Kentucky to give his mother, my cousin a break because she just had her second child. So, little 18, almost 19 month old nephew Will has been down with us. Now, I knew he'd be down here and I don't have a problem with it. Wanna know what I have a problem with? My parents. Will's been an absolute dream. He's been perfect.

My mother won't listen to anything I have to say about any of this so, I have resorted to writing a damn blog about it just to get my freakin two cents in. Wanna know why? Because my mother thinks that she is queen of the damn world. What does that mean for me? I can't get a freakin word in edge wise! So, I have to write about it in this blog and if she chooses to read it, then by damn, read it. This is the only thing I have that she doesn't have. She followed me on myspace, she followed my on facebook and with her looking over my shoulder, I always felt that I couldn't express my thoughts and opinions myself. I will not mention her name just for her privacy sake but let me explain. Most of the time, I love her. No, all the time I love her. It's her character traits I hate. She has this really bad habit of putting a guilt trip on whomever is around her. Anyone that knows her would disagree. But guess what, folks, Mama D ain't so sweet all the time. Ask me or my brother and even my dad. We will all atest to the fact that she has one hell of a guilt trip talent. I can't stand up to her because of the whole damn respect factor. So, I have to resort to telling the world about it in my blog. Yeah, ain't that sad? Well, it's true. Okay, let me finish my story.

My nephew's down this week. The first night he was here, we were all sitting in the living room enjoying him and watching him play. Naturally, we set the play pen up in Mom's room thinking that she would want him in there. I can't remember whether or not it was me or my father who asked where Will would sleep this week. My mother looked straight at me and said, "I thought we were clear that he would sleep with you." Now, keep this in mind. I have no problem letting Will sleep in my room. In fact, I welcome it. I love him. And I would not mind one bit having him with me. I just was not told that I would have him. And I tend to studder my words when things take me by surprise. My mom thinks it's me making an excuse because it came out as, "Well, I...uh...okay. Uhm, when was this decided?" Not my best choice of words. It was suppose to come out something like, "Oh, that's cool. I didn't know this but it's cool." That would have been better, right? Yup. But me in my studdering self made her think that I didn't want him in there. Her next response was, "He'll sleep in my room, if it's too much of a deal with you. My God, April, if you don't want him to sleep in your room, then just say so." All of this said in a very mean and sarcastic way as if I was saying, "He's a hell child and I don't want to incovenience my life and have him in my room waking me up at all hours of the morning." I babysit kids for crying out loud. I get up EVERY morning at 6:30 or 7. You think I would care if he slept in my room? Hell no. But to her, it was apparently "disrespectful." Whatever. It wasn't. I didn't have a problem with it.

Well, after that last statement she said, I just turned around with a hurt look on my face and went to my room. Not fifteen minutes later, I walk back in the living room and see Will's play pen in Mom's room. So, the next day, she says to me, "April, he's gonna have to sleep in your room tonight because I get up at 5 to get ready for work." Well, this time I was a little better with my speech, anticipating that she'd come forward and ask me that. I immediately responded with, "Sure, no problem." In a very positive voice. Now, she would think that what she said got through to me and I was sorry. In a way, I wanted her to believe it. But I was never being disrespectful to her. Never.

So, he slept in my room that night and every night he's been here. Again, I don't have a problem with him sleeping in my room. He's a sweety. Well, today, I wasn't feeling as perky as usual. This happens at this time of the month. I wasn't as cheerful as I was. Welp, Will and I played tonight and at about 9 or 9:30, I came out in the living room. Will was crying and I heard him from my room. So, I came out to see him and see what I could do. He was fighting on the couch. Mom was trying to get him to calm down enough to sleep. He fought and I asked what was wrong and Mom looked up and said, "I'm trying to get in to sleep." So, I stood there for a moment and Mom stood from the couch and went to the rocking chair. Well, it was obvious that Will didn't want to go down without a fight. I looked at him and he giggled. Mom looked at me and said, "I'm trying to get him to sleep." I simply nodded and looked at the TV. Through the corner of my eye, I could see him still looking at me, smiling. I made the statement, "I'm trying so hard not to look at him." Mom sighed and said, "Well, he's gonna keep looking at you as long as you stand there." I nodded, turned around and stated, "Well, I'll fix that problem. I'll go to my room." Here's where the story builds up to what the first half of the blog states. She came to my room not five minutes later, Will down by her side. What she said to me pissed me off but I pretended that I learned a lesson. She said, "Let me tell you one damn thing. You act as if having Will down here is an inconveniece to you. You barely help take care of him during the day then, you disappear in your room at night and stay in there until someone comes in there with him already asleep and put him down" and so forth and so on. This pissed me off. I love my nephew. But I'm not the pro with the kids here. I did not ask to have him down here and I wasn't expecting me having to watch him 24/7 which I don't. They, or my mom, think that I don't want him down here. Bull. I love him. I will never EVER turn my nephew away. I love him and I play with him. She came in my room right at 10 and laid him down. She didn't even look at me. Hey, that's fine with me. She's about to get an email fired at her. And I'm not holding back. I'm sick and tired of this crap. I'm 20 years old, damnit. I am an adult and she has NO authority over me. The only reason I still live at my stupid ass home is because I go to Hinds and they don't have on campus living only the one in Raymond does and I go to the one in Rankin county. But she's about to get a nice email sent to her. I hope it reaches her because I ain't holdin back. Have a nice damn night.

The Wonder of Summer

I have a fantastic job. I babysit kids. Most people would laugh and say, "Babysitting is your job? Oh, I'm so sorry." But really, it's my favorite job in the world. Right now, I watch a little boy who is seven years old. He can talk your ear off at times. I find myself looking at him and saying, "Child, do you have an off button?" But that's normal. He's a little talker. It's just his nature. The boy never meets a stranger. Yet, we go into Walmart or to the bank, and he is like a little church mouse. He does not utter a word. And in return, the tellers at the bank give him a sucker for being so quiet and well behaved. Yet, if he talked like he normally does, he probably wouldn't get a sucker. I use to pick him up from school at the beginning of school and at Steens Creek Elementary, they do behavior logs. The most common behavior log the child had was talking when he wasn't suppose to. Up until now, I couldn't believe it. Now, I see how he gets a bahavior log for talking every single day. But he's seven. He talks. But he talks more than normal seven year olds. It amuses me to see his personality come through.

Since I got out for summer and started my job, I have gotten more and more fascinated in reality shows. My favorite one right now is "Hey Paula". It's a reality show about Paula Abdul. Shocker, right? Her life has always cracked me up and the thought a couple of weeks ago was what if she had a reality show? I would so watch it. Then, low and behold, there was the reality show on Bravo. I was so excited. In just watching the first episode, I saw how hectic her life is. Most people look at celebrities as the bright and shining faces that make us smile and laugh in movies. In the recent times, people have been bashing her for being "drunk" while doing a TV interview. See, that's why I don't pursue a career in movies. I started to show interest and thought to myself, "No way. I don't want to have to deal with the rumors." In reality sense, Paula seemed drunk on an interview she did to promote American Idol. After watching her reality show, I saw how wrong I was. Paula is the kind of woman who just goes and goes and goes and goes. She doesn't have time to have a life, much less sleep all at the same time. In the course of these interviews, she was going on no sleep for at least 48 hours (give or take a few hours) and she was very very tired and also sick. Hello, can we say incoherent? I would be if I hadn't slept for two freakin days straight. Who can function on a ten minute power nap? I can't sleep during the day because I won't sleep at night. If I went 2 days without sleeping, I do believe I'd be stumbling, falling, incoherent, and possibly hostile. I'm a cranky little buger when I don't get enough sleep. Ask anyone. Yet Paula Abdul goes without any sleep and can still put together good questions to answers. It's funny how people jump to conclusions. Rumors get started. Gossip gets started. What is this? High school? Heck, not even high school. It's more like junior high. It's so beyond stupid. But when you're on TV, you're looked at more. I feel sorry for her. She's the sweetest woman in the world and just because she doesn't get sleep doesn't mean she's drunk. Admit it. If we didn't get sleep, our sentences wouldn't make that much sense. Really. So, it floors me that people would be so stupid and spread rumors.

Other than those things, my summer is normal. My nephew is here! WOOOO! Yeah, I'm gonna go spend time with him. BUH BYE! Happy reading!

I hate frustration

I do. I hate it. It causes the tiny vein in my head to pop out. But what causes my frustration? The correct question is what DIDN'T frustrate me today? The kids were just outrageous today. Normally they aren't this bad but today, man! My dad is normally a good person to start trouble with the kids. And he was but not until the late afternoon. Corrie was extremely whiney today. Which isn't a surprise it's just it really got to me today. Jordan was good. It's days like today that I really wish I only had him to watch. It happens. But three kids is a lot, I've noticed. If it wasn't Breanna crying, it was Corrie being mean to her sister. I actually used Time Out today. Corrie got it for being mean to her sister and telling her she couldn't play a game with the two older kids. It's a fact of life. The youngest sibling will always be subjected to being left out of the older person's fun. I'm the baby in the family. I know. My brother left me out of tons of games that I wanted to play with him because I wasn't big enough to keep up with the older kids. Maybe that's why I have so much pity for the fact that Breanna can't play as many games as Corrie and Jordan. But I caught Corrie singing a very familiar tune when she was being mean to her little sister. It just reminded me of the way my own older brother acted towards me. I understand the older sibling's need to play with his or her own friends but that doesn't excuse being mean to them so, I was harsh. And I yelled. But for good reason. Corrie learned a lesson and Breanna was happy. But the frustration came later on in the afternoon with my dad. The kids had been extremely rambunctious today and by the time 3PM came around, I was ready to pull my hair out. So, what better time than the present to instigate a "be quiet and relax" game? I set them on my bed in my bedroom and told them to be quiet and watch TV. It seemed perfect. The kids asked me to turn on a game and play it for them. So, granting their wish, I turned on the PS2 that's in my room and began playing a Sonic game for them to enjoy. They seemed content for a good 20 minutes. But I got so involved in the game (because I forgot all the frustration of the day in the midst of the game) that I didn't notice that Breanna and Corrie weren't in my room anymore. Now, keep in mind I told them to stay in my room for quiet time. When I noticed they were gone and I heard my dad talking to the girls. I paused the game and literally ran to the living room where I promptly told them to come back to my room. Once there, I went to Dad. I asked him what they were doing and he informed me that he walked out of his office and they were just sitting there on the couch without the TV on so he asked them what was wrong. They told him they wanted to color. Now, I do realize that my dad is the owner of the house but those kids are MY responsibility. Not his. So, I make the rules. Not him. Which means I override his commands. Period. Especially when it comes to the well-being of the kids. I am getting paid to watch them. Not him. End of story. So, as soon as I straightened him out, I went back to my room where I promptly scolded them for bothering my dad. He works from home and apparently they think he is off work when he is at home. Wrong. He works from home. After that explanation, I set them in the living room. The girls left about 3:30 when their father got there. After they left is when the real frustration started.

I love my dad to death but my GOD he does not listen to a word. I realize I am the youngest in the family but I am 20. I am an adult. The only reason I live with my parents is because I go to Hinds and free living is a lot better than...well...bills. So, there. Still in all, my opinion sometimes makes sense. We have Comcast, recently turned from Time Warner. We have an HDTV so, naturally, we have the box to match. The HDTV Comcast box. We noticed about two weeks ago that some of the channels after being recorded were fuzzy. So, naturally, we call tech support to come out and look at our box. He informs us that it was just too hot under the Entertainment center. Now, I had all three youngins when the Comcast guy first came out. Him and I both agreed that the box needed to be put on top of the Entertainment center. There was plenty of room to do so and we thought it was the obvious choice. The only problem was we have the sub woofer to our surround sound up there. And we also have a Samurai sword up there too. My family collects swords. We have like ten in the house. I own two daggers. Anywho, me and the Comcast guy had already thought we'd put it on top of the sub woofer without a problem. We get my dad on the phone. He doesn't wanna do that. Frustration. I leave the house with the kids and my dad comes home and demands the box be put back where it was. So, when I got home, to my frustration, it was back in its spot. The first reaction was, "What the heck are you doin? We had it perfect." He chose not to do that. Whatever. As long as my box is fixed. Well, it was. For the most part. Only a couple of shows recorded fuzzy. So, he called the Comcast guy today. He said, the box is still fuzzy. The tech says, "Okay, we're gonna send an update to the box. Hang on." And he does. Now, instead of waiting to see if the box is fixed, he demands another Comcast HD box. I wouldn't have a problem with this only I have some stuff recorded on my DVR (Digital Video Recorder) that I don't want to lose. You get a new box, you lose all your shows. The shows include the original episodes of So You Think You Can Dance auditions. Those are always my favorite to watch. If a new box comes, I lose those. Now, when we switched to an HD box when we got our TV, I had the original episodes of American Idol that were the auditions. I didn't want to lose them! I don't have the box in my room. It's in our living room for a reason. But if that blasted man I call my father keeps getting new boxes when there is nothing wrong with the one we have, all of my shows will be lost. I love those episodes and I don't want to lose them. He won't even wait to see if they work. And he won't let me explain why I want them. Those episodes are classic. I go back once the show reaches the top 10 or so and see where the stars came from and all that. It's for a reason. And he keeps switching out the boxes once every three blasted months! It's stupid. And annoying and people wonder why I'm frustrated? SEE WHAT I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THEN ASK THAT QUESTION. And I can never explain myself. Why? He won't listen. He yells and throws things! I try to explain but when he pulls that CRAP, I forget what I'm saying and I can't explain it right which is what happened to me today when I tried to get him NOT to switch out my box but to show him that the box is fine and it records fine. But he won't LISTEN. Frustration. Live with my dad and you'll find a good solid definition. I'm gone. APRIL OUT!

How long has it been?

Wow, have I been busy. With school, work, and church, I've barely had time to breathe. But I have been having fun. My job is great. I babysit a wonderful bunch of children. The first is my Jordan. I've watched him many times through this passed year. I actually use to keep him the beginning of his 1st grade year. He and I have become close. Very close. I only met him actually less than a year ago but it feels like I've known him forever. He's my precious heart. He's seven years old. Next in line is Corrie. She's six. She's my next door neighbor and very independent. She loves taking care of her little sister and niece (long story). Then, there's Breanna. She's the snuggler. She's four. She has orange hair, the cutest freckles, and she sucks her thumb. She's my cuddle monster. She loves to cuddle. And I welcome that. She's still small enough for me to rock her to sleep.

I will describe my children in colors.

Jordan: He's blue. Why? He's a boy. No, that's not all why. He's blue because of his nature. He's very laid back and relaxed, much like this color. He's sweet and loving and never meets a stranger. His favorite past time is talking. The boy will talk your ear off if you'll let him. He's very imaginative and creative. His smile and laugh will always bring a smile to your face.

Corrie: She's red. Why? She's the boss. No, that's not all why. She's red because she's a wild little girl. Though she's only a year younger than Jordan, she's still a baby in my eyes. She gets scared easily and sometimes can't take a joke. But that's who she is. She's very take charge and likes to be the boss of everything. She helps take care of Breanna.

Breanna: She's lavender. Why? She's the baby. No, that's not all why. Breanna is the smallest out of everyone. She is simply influenced by Jordan and Corrie yet she has the best time trying to be just like me and her sister. Though she still sucks that little thumb, she can be a take charge girl. She molds the entire group together from top to bottom.

At my church, I get paid to do what I love. Watching kids. I just recently picked up a full time job at my church. They were looking for a full time paid worker and I have made enough hours to be able to be considered a full time worker. Which is fine with me! So, I get that job. Along with that, I get paid to watch Jordan, Corrie, and Breanna. For Jordan, it's three times a week for a set rate. For Corrie and Breanna, it's all week and it's a set rate. On occasion, I watch an 8 month old for cash as well. I must say, I think I have my full time job covered. But I love every minute of it.

Recently, I've been trying to introduce some Christian values to the kids. They all go to church but I am a Sunday School teacher so, I take advantage of that and try to teach them good values. I pray with them at breakfast and lunch and I tell them to say prayers before nap. I hope my things help them.

Wow, almost a month

It's been almost a month since my last post on here. Things are crazy right now for me. Things just recently calmed down slightly. My biggest dilemma was the Childrens program at my church. Lisa oh so graciously gave me the role of Drama Coordinator so I oversaw the speaking parts and was director of the skit we did in the musical. That was part of my crazy life.

Around this time, things get really crazy. Exams are approaching, church activities are at a high, and trying to find a summer job ain't as easy as some may think. But I guess the thing that has been bugging me the most is my immune system. You see, when I get overly stressed, my body reacts by killing my immune system. I get a really bad head cold or something to the effect of a head cold and it won't shake until things calm down. Which they will come Friday. Exams are over on Friday and it's summer break. But I have some things to talk about.

My exams are fastly approaching so, I'm worried a bit. Not so much for Creative Writing, American Lit, and Western Civ but College Algebra has proceeded to kick my skinny white booty. That's the only class I'm even remotely worried about. I'm an English major so, my English courses I'm not worried about. Western Civ is okay because my dear friend Mary is a History major. Can we say savior? I can!

Once exams are over, my next worry will be trying to find a full time job. For the time being, my good friend Leslie has informed me that I will be watching her seven year old until I find a full time job. I'm looking more to working in a clinic. To my surprise after looking over my resume, I discovered that I have more clinical experience than any thing else. My mother has managed many many clinics in the central Mississippi area. I've worked for three of her clinics. The only other jobs that I have had was at a restaurant and as a security guard. I'm trained on Medical Manager and Intergy. Yeah, if you don't know what those things are, no worries. I am also very on board with anything and everything that has to do HIPAA. Also medical records. So, I will be looking for openings in clinics at St. Dominic since that is where my mom is the Queen B better known as the HIPAA Queen.

Until I get a full time job, I'll be babysitting the seven year old and getting 60 dollars a week. Which ain't bad. I found that out today from Leslie. But that's not all. My dad got a knew car. You see, he had a 2001 Pontiac Bonneville. He bought it in 2003. It only had 30,000 miles on it. In four years alone, he put over 150,000 miles on his car. He travels a lot. He's a computer engineer for medical offices and he works from home. So, today, he bought himself a 2006 Dodge Magnum. Mom thinks it looks like a hearse. I think it's cool. It's a pretty shade of Burgendy. Nice. I also got a new cell phone today. After some very serious red tape, we upgraded my phone. I FINALLY GOT A CAMERA PHONE. Yeah, dumb, I know but I wanted one for sooooo long but could never afford it. My mother was oh so kind as to help me with the upgrade and I got me a camera phone for only 50 bucks. Awesome, right?

Well, that's pretty much all. If none of that made sense, don't feel bad. It's 11:30 at night and I'm exhausted. TO BED I GO! BUH BYE!

The Sorrow We Feel

I was inspired. I wrote a poem for the tragic events that have come about. Since Monday, I haven't really been able to put into words how I really feel about everything. Most of you know I am a creative writer. Poems are one of my specialty. But I actually could not write until tonight. This usually happens when something happens in my family (which it did) or something happened in America (which it did.) Tonight, I present this poem for all to read. It is called The Sorrow We Feel.

I see my mother crying still
Over what she saw on the news
My Empathy kicks in and I truly feel
Her pain when we watched the story grew

Sadness and sorrow are an understatement
To how I really feel inside
I try to understand where the story went
And all I want to do is run and hide

My head fills with fears and worry
Is my school really safe?
Or is it prepared poorly
What of this can I make?

I watched in sadness as the news continues
Everyone crying and sad
I look up at the sky and call on my Muse
To ask Him to return the world from bad

Situations like this arise with warning
People panicking and I just wonder
Would we be okay in the morning?
Or suffer yet another blunder.

My mind runs in a complete circle
Never wanting to stop
It runs around like a fierce bull
Not even stopping at the top.

"Why is this happened? Why me? Why me?"
We always ask this question
But most people just don't see
God is sending us a message

We can't stop the pain
The Sorrow We feel is very real
We look at this all in vein
But we will eventually heal

Keep your Faith
Never give up
You know you're safe
If you never stop

And those who choose to blame God
Think about what you're saying
You put yourself in a fog
Which will lift if we all keep praying

I know the pain those parents feels
Crying for thier babies who unfortunately did die
One day, the pain will heal
Until then, may your crying eyes dry.

God bless you all. My heart goes out to the parents who lost their children. I pray you find peace and healing.

The Delimma of the Lumina

Hey, that some what rhymed. I'm so talented.

Okay, Friday the 13th came to me TODAY! So, y'all know my car is POSSESSED, right? Well, today we were gonna take it up to Walmart (my Grandfather's idea) to get a new battery for it. My dad thought it was the battery. We went outside Thursday afternoon when he got home and looked at it. It cranked up fine and he really didn't see anything wrong with it. So, his assumption was the battery was about to go dead. Now, the car cranked in the presence of my mother and father now. I'm thinking that the car just doesn't like me. But the story goes further. But that's not where the story starts. The story starts yesterday. Here's how it went down.

After my car trouble this past Thursday, my dad informed me we would get it fixed Saturday. Since I don't have class until Monday, that seemed like the perfect plan. He instructed me to clean out my car for the day when we go get it fixed because he'd be driving it. So, Friday the 13th and I gotta clean out my car. Before I started that, I got a serious craving for a coke. So, I got in the car, literally prayed so it would crank, and drove it to the store. I left it running as I went inside Bridges to get a coke. Once I got my coke, I drove it home.

I left it alone for a couple of hours and went inside to do other things. I was keeping tabs on the weather channel also because, as Barbie predicted, we were suppose to get some pretty hefty stuff for Saturday and Friday night. So, at around 2 or so that afternoon, I decide I'll clean out my car. My thought was to pull it into the garage since both my parents were at work. So, here I go to my car to crank it. I sat down with the door open and stuck the key in. The dings were perfect. They weren't deformed so, I thought, "Yeah, the car's gonna crank." Wrong. I turn the key, nothing happened. Hmm, okay, let's try this again. I turned the key again. Still, nothing. Alright, third times a charm, right? WRONG. Turned it AGAIN, wouldn't even turn over. Well, great. So, I pulled the garbage can to my car and cleaned out my car from where it sat in the hot sun of my drive way. But I did get it done.

So, this morning, I woke up to the sound of rain. We had like two claps of thunder. That's it though. It rained for like an hour. So, I got up and got ready for my drum lesson that morning and my dad and I drove out to Lakeland Music and met up with Paul, my drum teacher. I did my lesson and then we drove to Pit Stop in Florence to get my dad's oil changed. Turns out he needs new tires (he drives more miles in a week then I do in three months) because he had worn his down so much they were smooth. Which is bad. But he decided he'd wait and take it to Davis Tire and Auto when he got a good expense check. Well, turns out he also needed his transmission fluid changed. He had never gotten it changed. He has over 150,000 miles on it. (It's not an old car either. It's a 2001 model. He just travels a lot. He's beaten the mileage on my car and it's ten years old. It's a 97 model.) So, they changed that. It took about an hour or so. Now, I left my house at 9:45, had a drum lesson at 10:30 (which was more like 10:45 because Paul was late gettin there), then came to Pit Stop for my dad's stuff. By the time we got home to pick up my car to take it up to Walmart, it was about 1. So, we get my car, it cranks, thank God, and we drive it up to Walmart. The lady comes out and meets us and my dad told her to hook up the diagnostic machine thingy to my car. As we thought, the battery was on its way to being dead. Wasn't quite there but gettin there. So, my dad said, go ahead and change the battery.

Now, we think this is a fifteen minute job because my dad can do it in fifteen minutes. Wrong. We go into Walmart and look around for a little while. We come back to the auto area with a few items. This is about an hour later (around 2:30). I see my car just inside the auto area with the hood popped. It looked like they were almost done. Again, wrong. About 3 or so, my dad walked out to see what was the hold up. He came back in about five minutes later looking mad. I asked him what was going on and he informed me that they hadn't even taken my old battery out. My exact response was "What?!"

So, to make an already long story short, we didn't get out of there until like 3:45. We dropped off the car at 1:45. It took those dumb people two hours to fix a very simple problem. But it is fixed and driveable. Strange. But I'm home. FINALLY.

The Lumina is POSSESSED!

No, it's not a code phrase. My car, a 97 Chevy Lumina, is possessed. Let me explain. This is slightly amusing and at the same time annoying. Here's what happened. Okay, check this out. So, my car is a piece of crap, right? Oh, you don't know that? Well, it is. It's not all bad but she's old. I only use the car when I'm driving to and from school, church, or work. So, today was like any other day. I left my house about 10 or so this morning to go to class. (I don't go to creative writing. It's magazine crunch time and we don't have class. So, virtually, I only have one class on Tuesday's and Thursday's.) I stopped at the gas station but kept my car running because I would only be in there for a second to get something to drink. Once I got my caffeine fix, I drove the rest of the way to school.

I went to American Lit and once that class was over, I strolled out with William, my good friend from my American Lit class, to drive home. He would normally walk me out to my car then go to his other class that he had at that time. He walked me out as he always did but didn't walk me all the way to my car. We got out of Lit late so, he didn't have much time. He watched me get to my car then turned and walked back inside. So, I get in and set my books in the front seat and stick the key in. The car usually won't do its little ding sound until the car cranks. Or if the lights are on and the door is open. But my car door was not open and my lights weren't on so, the dings didn't come on. So, I stuck the key in and turned it to crank it. It first sounded like it started to crank then completely stopped. And when I turned the key back to the off position, the dings that were normally there were very deformed and just sounded horrible which is what it sounded like when my battery went dead three years ago in the Walmart parking lot on a rainy Saturday afternoon. Luckily, I had a shift at McAlister's that night and I just ran from the Walmart parking lot to work. I called my dad for that one.

So, sighing heavily, I knew it had to be my battery. Logically, that had to be it, right? So, here I go. I call my dad. "Where are you?" I asked him. He informed me, "I'm in between Starkville and Louisville. I'm about two hours away, why?" Sighing, I said, "My car died." The rest of the conversation consisted of where are you, what does the car sound like, is it the battery, yada yada yada. So, he tells me to call my grandfather who lives right down the road from me. I called him and he informed me that he had a doctor's appointment at 1 in Madison. There was no way. So, I called my mother. It took me a couple of tries because she was in meetings but I finally got her. This was our conversation starting with my mother.
"Hey, did you try to call me?"
"Yep. About three times."
"Sorry, I was in a meeting Sweetie. What's up?"
"My car died."
"Your car died?"
"Yep."
"Well, where are you?"
"I'm at school. Are you out of meetings?"
"Yeah, I'm on my way."
About fifteen minutes later, she pulled up in the Hinds parking lot. (She works at St. Dominic. She's about ten minutes away from me) She pulled up beside my car and she said, "Throw me the keys I wanna see what it sounds like." I shrugged and said, "Okay. It wouldn't turn over for me." I tossed her the keys and she sat in my driver seat and put the key in the hole. The dings were perfect because the door was open. She turned the key to AUX and the dings were normal as well. (It will ding on auxiliary and when the car turns on.) She turned the key and it cranked fine. My mouth literally dropped open and I said, "Now, how'd you do that." She simply smiled and said, "I got the touch." So, I called my dad and told him, "Mom's magic fingers made the car crank. I'm gonna drive it home." With that, I drove home with Mom very close behind me. She informed me to stick with the right lane and if I sense the car about to die, pull over and we'll get a tow for it. But I managed to make it from Pearl to Florence. My mother thought it was the starter.

When my mom went back to work, I got a call from my dad. He started going into a spill about what the battery does and how it works and what not. He told me that the battery only sends the power to crank the car but the alternator does the work passed that. His theory is that when I started to crank the car and it didn't turn, the alternator already was charging the battery enough to get it to crank. So, in the thirty minutes that I left it alone, the alternator had charged the battery enough to crank the car. The reason I'm almost sure it's the battery is because my radio was off (and I had it on when I got to school) and my clock had jumped ahead an hour. (My clock in my car does not set itself when daylight savings time comes around. But it has changed the time around when the battery starts to go dead.) So, my dad says that the alternator charged it enough to crank it and that's how I got it home. When I got it home, my mother told me to crank it again. I did and it cranked fine. So, my dad's theory is that the connectors are corroded and needs cleaning or the battery is dead. Now, my car is ten years old. There's gonna be rust, dust, and corroded dodads under the hood. And it is about that time for the battery to die. The last time it was changed I was a Junior in High school. (3 years ago). It's about that time and my dad just got home so, we're going outside now to look at the options. Peace.

Here comes a real Journal entry.

Today has been less than good, I'll be honest. It seems like every where I turned, another bad thing happened to me. Has anyone ever had one of them days? Well, today was one. Satan was really after me today. I found myself sitting in front of my left closet crying. I looked up at my ceiling and said, "Why are You doing this to me??" I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth. I actually blamed God for my bad misfortunes of the day. That was wrong of me. Satan was sitting on my shoulder saying, "Blame God. Blame Him. He did this to you." Wrong. Satan did that to me. But let me start at the beginning.

I had (and I emphasize the word "had") a friend named Liz. We aren't on talking terms at this point and time. In high school, we were good friends. But Liz had a problem with me. I was very dramatic. I got upset at things so easily and I actually woke up each day and just decided I was having a bad thing. You'd think I was bipolar if you were around me at home and then at school. It was like night and day. I was happy and perky at home but low and depressed at school. And it wasn't my school. It was just my personality. There was nothing wrong on the particular days. I just was sad and depressed. Well, Liz was one of my friends that dealt with my depressing nature. Her senior year came and she switched to Brandon High. (I went to Hillcrest Christian) We lost touch after that. As life went on, I started thinking about my life back in high school. I'm not saying it was a long time since I have been out of high school but it has been a couple of years. I actually look back on some of those days and say, "God, what was wrong with me?!" I wouldn't even be able to stand me. But during my senior year of high school, I started Rping on MySpace.com. In the span of the years that separated high school and now, I met a girl named "Tiffany". It's not her real name but I'll use the name Tiffany for blogging purposes. She was THE most annoying girl I think I have ever met! She was one of my Rpers. But as I got to know her, I started seeing a familiar scene. She found a reason to have a bad day. It was for the STUPIDEST reasons! And then, the light clicked on. I acted like that in high school. My exact words to myself was "Now I know why Liz hated me." Well, as soon as I realized that, I started trying to find Liz in whatever way I could. Luckily, she had a myspace. I immediately started trying to make amends with her. She wouldn't hear of it. She wouldn't even talk to me. I can't say that I blame her. I wouldn't talk to me either. I just wish I could talk to her again. I just wish she'd sit long enough to listen to me. I started a composition book full of notes about her. But I want her to read it and let me say how sorry I am to her. Okay, that was the first part of my day. Here comes the second part.

I told you I Rp on MySpace. Well, one of my really good friends (and an excellent Rper) informed all of us that she would be basically abandoning her character because the stress was too much. I was literally devasted. That was a big hit for me. But now we have the third thing.

I love my mother. She's the best woman in the world. She's a wonderful role model for my brother and I. But there are days (much like the rest of us) that she can be in a bad mood. This morning was no exception. She wasn't just in a bad mood, she was late for work. Double whammy. But here came the triple whammy. Her hair dryer quit. So, at 7:15, (I'm still asleep) she comes in my room and tries to unplug my hair dryer to use it. Of course, I heard her trying to do this and I sat up saying, "What are you doing?" She explained her story but as I'm listening to her struggle, I remember that my mother and I plugged up my hair dryer behind my dresser with the mirror on it. It's literally impossible to get out. Or so I thought. I told her that I thought Dad had one in his bathroom. So, she went trying to look for it and couldn't find it. So, again, she comes and knocks on my door to get mine. I open the door, still half asleep, and she says, "I can't find his and I'm in a hurry. Just give me yours." So, here I went trying to push my dresser out a little bit so I can get my hair dryer out for her to use. I ask her to help me but we couldn't make it budge. I began trying to reach behind the dresser trying to shimmy the plug out. In the midst of that, I say, "I'm tryin, Mama." Then, she snapped. "SHUT UP! Tell me you're tryin." Well, I didn't say another word. I sat down beside my dresser and tried, and I do mean tried, with all my might to get that plug unplugged. My arm is burning because it's sanwiched in a very small hole. I find the cord to the plug and try to pull as hard as I could. I'm almost crying because it hurt so bad. But not wanting to face my mother's wrath of her being late, in a bad mood, and already annoyed with me, I don't say a word. I just keep a pained look on my face (it was the least I could do. I wouldn't dare cry in front of her at this point. I would be afraid she would tell me to shut up again.) and pulled with all I had. Finally, I ripped it out. I look at her and say, "I got it." She snatched the hair dryer and walked out. I just had to sit there for a moment. Here it was, about 7:30, and I am already in a bad mood. I've already been yelled at my mother and I should have even been awake yet. But I was. And I wasn't a happy camper. So, I get up and sit on my bed, still trying to get my arm to stop throbbing in pain. All of the sudden, my phone makes the noise it does when I get a message. Now, on Wednesday's, I normally got a text message from Cingular telling me about some free crap they wanted to upgrade my phone with. But it was too early for that. So, what could that be? My mother. It read, "You bent the prongs on my hair dryer when you pulled it out. I couldn't bend them back. But it's okay because my hair dryer works fine now. Just use mine and I'll fix it tonight. Sorry." Now, the last "Sorry" could be anything. It could be, "I'm sorry your hair dryer is messed up." or, "I'm sorry I yelled at you." I couldn't tell which. But once I read that, I started thinking to myself. If she had waited a couple of minutes, her hair dryer would have worked fine. I wouldn't have gotten yelled at and maybe my day would have been better. I would have gotten my full 8 hours of sleep before I went to class. But I didn't. But, no, that's not where the day ends!

So, I went to class and came home. And usually when I get home, I play Guitar Hero. It's to relax. Well, when I got tired of that, I thought I'd watch some TV. Well, with the way our surround sound box works, you turn the box to DVTH Cable to make it come back. So, I did. But you also have to use the actual TV remote (and you can't turn the TV itself because it's an HDTV) to make the TV turn back to the cable HD. Well, I couldn't find the remote. So, when my dad got home, I kindly asked him to help me find it. "I'll do it when I get a chance!" Yeah, like I need more people yelling at me today. I'm already thinking of Liz, my fellow Rper that left me, and my mother yelling at me for virtually no reason. And now, I'm getting yelled at by my dad. Well, that was enough. I stormed to my room, locked my door, sat on the floor and just cried. And I found myself looking up at my ceiling saying, "Why? Why this? Why now? What did I do? I asked You for help. I asked You. Why are You doing this to me?!" I couldn't believe these words were coming out of my mouth. I was blaming the wrong person. I should have flicked that little devil off my shoulder and said, "Go back to Hell, Satan."

Even I have bad days but it's never a reason to blame God. Please remember that. Though you have bad days, don't blame God. He's there. He's watching. And He will interfere when He feels the need. He gave me those things to learn a lesson. And that is patience. And boy do I need it. And I'll leave you with this from the song, Still the Cross by FFH. "When the world falls apart, and you fear for your home, in the tower of peace, it's still the cross. So bring your sick and your poor, and your longing for more, to the place of release, it's still the cross. There is hope for the lost, it's still the cross." Take those lyrics to heart. They taught me a lesson today. Hopefully it can help someone else reading this blog.

†Peace.†

I cried tonight.

Hey folks. Sorry it's been so long since my last post. I've actually been sick these past couple of weeks. First with a stomach virus then a sinus infection. Haven't really felt much like typing an old blog. But I'm all good now. And boy I have something to post.

I feel God tonight. I feel His love. It came after reading a very very great email. I don't really know how to explain it. The title looked like another spam mail or a chain letter that says something rediculous like "Your true love will call you if you repost this in 2 seconds. If you don't, you'll die alone and sad." Something stupid like that. The email was,

She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: "How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?" The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could,but your boy didn't make it."Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer?Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?"The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to theuniversity."Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while shesaid good-bye to son. She ran her fingers lovinglythrough his thick red curly hair."Would you like a lock of his hair?" the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of theboy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally. The mother said, "It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. "I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom." She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could."

Sally walked out of Children's mercy Hospital forthe last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car. The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room. She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep. It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:

"Dear Mom, I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say I LOVE YOU. I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again.Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't besad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good-bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pento write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the nameof the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him?' "God said He was in thesame place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children.

Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see whatI've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to writesome more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore.The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand tosee me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that?

Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.

I had a feeling that the email wasn't a real life situation but the message is so clear. This child who was dying from cancer at the tender age of six, still thought of other people besides himself. I learned a huge lesson out of this when I read this. I started crying like I hadn't in a very very long time. And I felt God right there. Yesterday, at around 4:30PM or so, I stood from my place on the couch and went to my bed room. I knelt down beside my bed and prayed. I will be honest, I don't pray every day. I should but I don't. I want to try and I know God will be right there encouraging me to keep on it. You see, my parents are having church issues. Not going into details but it involves them leaving the church that I grew up in in search of another church. Because of my previous engagements, I can't leave my home church. I needed God's guidance to tell me what to do. Little by little, He is showing me signs of where and how I should turn. But this email really made me think about my life and where mine and His relationship is. I pray it stays stronger. Pray for me.

Something Beautiful

Take a moment and look outside. Look at the clouds. Look at your neighbor's house. Look at your pet (dog, cat, bird, etc). I look at these things and see how beautiful they are. I am beyond blessed to have everything I do. I take it for granted sometimes. That's wrong on my part. God blessed me with everything I have right now. I have a beautiful home that my parents have raised both my brother and I in, I have food every day and night, I have clothes on my back.

I have to admit, I often don't think about the little things I have. I think of them as something that makes my life easier. But think about this. I have a car. My mind set is it is something to make my life easier. But what about those who don't have cars to drive like we do? I have a friend that I go to school with that lives in South Jackson in a run down house that was built in the 40's. His family can't afford more than one car. He is in college and he is driven by his mother to school every day. On most days, he is dropped off as early as 7AM and not picked up until 5PM. I remember those days. It was before I got my license. I was in the 9th grade. I got dropped off by my dad (or mom depending on who was ready first) at 7 and not picked up until right at 5. It's boring. Seriously. But I had the luxury of having a ride from place to place. What about those who don't have anything. They don't even have one car among the family. My ex boss when I work as a security guard was talking about a person who was often late for work. Why was he late? He had to ride a bike from South Jackson to Richland. Can you imagine how long that ride would be? He is very fit, mind you. But my boss at the time was talking to me one day about this guy. Her words to me were "Cars now-a-days only cost about 200 if you don't want to go top of the line." Of course, her being my boss at the time, I didn't want to smart off to her and get fired. But I was thinking to myself, "Maybe he can't afford a 200$ car. Maybe he's doing like much of the world and living paycheck to paycheck. He probably had bills and everything like that." We're not all fortunate, you know.

I've noticed something absolutely amazing though. Those who are very well off are often always wanting more or upset by little things. Yet, I remember going on mission trips to Mexico to basically a third world country neighborhood and seeing those bright faces of those sweet families. The children were so beautiful and sweet. You almost have to wonder what it is like down there. The families are in tears when they see us coming to help them. They are blessed to have anything they need. They mostly live off of dirty water and bread. Sometimes not even that. We cook them a big meal and give them clean water. They are so blessed by us. It brings me to tears. It's beautiful. Something Beautiful.

I think about five years in the future. I picture myself getting married. I picture my daddy, my own personal teddy bear, walking me down the aisle. Me telling him, "Daddy, don't let me fall on these heels." and him replying, "Don't worry, baby. I won't let you fall." I see my future husband with a big smile on his face. I see my brother as one of the groomsmen of my future husband. I see my mother crying on the front row. I picture my dress. It is long, flowing, and white. I don't have a vail and I'm really barefooted under the dress but no one can see it because the dress is so long. I come up to the front of my church where Benton is standing to marry my husband and I. Benton smiles at my father and I and gently says, "Who gives this child away?" My dad smiles and says, "Myself and her mother." He gently takes my hand and places it through my future husband's arm. That is Something Beautiful. I leave you with the lyrics to this song by the NewsBoys called Something Beautiful.

I wanna start it over
I wanna start again
I want a new beginning
One without any end
I feel it inside
Calling out to me

It's a voice that whispers my name
It's a kiss without any shame
Something beautiful
Like a song that stirs in my head
Singing love will take us where
Something's beautiful

I've heard it in the silence
Seen it on a face
I've felt it in a long hour
Like a sweet embrace
I know this is true
It's calling out to me

It's the child on her wedding day
It's the daddy that gives her away
Something beautiful
When we laugh so hard we cry
It's the love between you and I
Something beautiful

Driver's Ed again?

So, tonight was my night to go to driving school. Technically, it's called the Defensive Driving School. In short terms, it was Driver's Ed for adults. Or students really. Most were students, some were adults, and some were famous. But we'll get to the famous one in a little bit.

So, 5pm on the dot, I arrive at the Flowood Police Department. My mom is there to give me the check. Now, remember that I had just gotten back from the doctor. I couldn't take any Phenergan until I got home tonight. Luckily, the nausea subsided a little during the driving school but came back half way home. Luckily, I got home without getting sick and took a Phenergan. Now, I'm half way sleepy.

The school taught me a lot about the crazies out there. The funny part was I knew all of the things he taught me. Why? I took Driver's Ed in 10th grade. True, that was only five years ago but still. I don't remember most of it but it jogged my memory when he talked about it.

On a side note, Julie Straw (Reporter for WLBT) was there. I didn't know it was her at first. She took a seat behind me and the instructor called her name. I looked up only because I look up when anyone calls a name. When she turned around to come sit back down, that's when I realized who she was. I never said anything to her only because I knew she probably wasn't happy for being there. Much less, neither did anyone else in the room. But that was interesting to me.

The ticket is now off my record and as long as I keep doing the speed limit, I won't get another ticket to add on my record. According to the instructor, I passed with flying colors.

The "Ew" factor

Is it possible to spread a disease from just emailing? When I heard that Barbie Bassett was sick (by her blog), I emailed her and asked her how she felt. This was last night. She said she was better but she thought it was a stomach virus. Now, I had known that it was spreading around, and maybe I did catch it from one of my class mates but how weird is this? I have a stomach virus the night after I emailed Barbie. Coincidence? I don't know. I was up most of last night in and out of the bathroom and I thought I was okay enough to go to class. That was, until, I got to class. I made it fifteen minutes before getting sick again. I decided that was it. I called my parents, got a check from them, and went up to MEA. The doctor said that the virus was going around and to be on an all liquid diet for 24 hours. I'm staying home tomorrow, as spoken by my doctor. I have to go up to Flowood Police Department to do my Defensive Driving School. It's from 5:30-9:30. I think I can make it but man, it makes me feel rotten.

The Hospitality State?

I grew up in what is named The Hospitality State. Mississippi. I love this state. The winters are short and the temperatures are usually pleasant all year around. There are some cold temperatures in the winter months and some extremely hot temperatures in the summer months. From June until the middle of September, it is very very hot. Temperatures have been known to reach up in the upper 100's. True, not the most pleasant temperatures but that's why God made AC, right? =) During the fall and spring months are the best temperatures, in my opinion. My perfect temperatures are 50-80 degrees. Anything lower and higher, I don't like all that much. I don't mind temperatures falling lower than 50 but I don't like temperatures once they reach in the 90's. When they top that high, I'm usually in my pool or inside where the AC is blowing full blast.

I do live in a very hospitable state however, we are not as friendly as some may see. This is by no means bashing my state. I love Mississippi. And for the most part, we are very nice and friendly. But in the heart of Central Mississippi, there is crime, hate, and disgust. I watch the news every night and literally have to shake my head. People being so hateful that they will target the elderly or a guy with no moral standings what so ever, steals a car with two babies in the back seat and then dumping them in the road with no respect for their parents or them. We deal with racism. True, we're not as bad off as most but there is still racism. And that goes both ways. Not only are there still some white people who are racist towards black people, but there are black people out there who are racist towards white people. It's disgusting. There is so much hate and horror here.

Though we do have hate and horror here, we also have the nice world. Like I said, I love this state. We are, for the most part, a very pleasant and happy state. We are right smack in the middle of the Bible belt. Yes, I am a Christian. My denomination is Congregational Methodist only because I was baptised in the church itself. I don't like calling myself any set of denomination because, if I can quote my mother, "It just shows what man has made." Man made denominations. God made Christianity. I like Congregational Methodism the best, however, because it deals with people. I am a very big people person. And that church, we are friends with everyone.

You come down here, you'll see a church at every corner. But if you look closer, you'll see the hate and horror of the real state of Mississippi. I can drive five minutes from my house and be in the ghetto. Though I live in a very safe neighborhood in Florence, the ghetto is not far from my house. We steal deal with robbery and other things. I pray every night and day that the violence stops. It will. I know it. I just have to have faith.

And action!

This is actually very excited. You see, I was offered another position at my church. I love children and I really feel that God is calling me to the Childrens' Ministry at my church. And if I'm not sure on that, I just look back on all the doors that God has opened up for me just from the time I quit the Celebration Choir at church and came to the Nursery for full time. Since Christmas Eve (which was the last time I sang with the Celebration Choir because I had a solo in the song, Light A Candle.), I became teacher of the 2 and 3 year olds Sunday School, I have been offered a full time position as a Nursery Worker in the Infants, Walkers, and Toddler's room. Now, I had already had a position in Childrens Choir because my cousin is the leader and my Godmother is one of the teachers. I am her assistant. So, I already had that. But tonight, God opened up yet another door in the Childrens Choir Ministry. You see, the Childrens Choir is so affectionately called KidZPrayZ. Cute, right? Lisa made that up. There are four total sections in Childrens Choir. The 4 year old choir is first, then 5 year old choir, and then we go to the Music Makers (which is 1st-3rd grade, teachers being myself and my Mama Lori) and the Spirit Singers (which is 4th-6th grade, teachers being Lisa, Martha, and Celeste). When we put on a program, Lisa divides responsibilities up in sections. Usually, one person will take the soloists and work with them, one person will take the drama team and work with them, and then the remaining teachers will do games with the kids. Now, usually, I do games. Tonight, however, Lisa asked me to be in charge of the drama department. That meant I am the drama teacher.

That was yet another door opened up by God. There are times when I want to pull my hair out and want to quit but then I look at my babies and kids and I can't walk away. Andrew is my life, Ashley and David are my armor, and all of my Sunday School kids are my heart. I love all of my kids. And I am more than happy to do anything at my church that deals with kids. As long as God continues to open the doors, I will take on the responsibility.

Tonight was my first taste of being a kind of "director". I took my group of about six kids and I explained my vision. They listened and loved my ideas. We were the last ones to dismiss because we were having so much fun. I have a very good feeling about this drama. It's going to be fun, exciting, and very entertaining. Details of when the program will be will be posted very soon. I do know it'll be either later April or early May at Lakeshore Congregational Methodist Church in Byram, Mississippi. If y'all know where that is, keep looking on my page for more details! It's gonna be FUN! Peace.

"All Rise..."

"All rise. The Honorable Judge Ken Fairly presiding. Be seated, come to order."

I had a court date today. I don't think I'll ever forget it. I left my house at 11AM on the dot and headed North to the Flowood Police Department for my ticket. I had gotten a ticket about a month ago in the Flowood area when I was on my way to see my father in the hospital. My court date was set. March 22, 2007 at 12:00PM. I pulled up, left my purse in my car (as asked by the police officer who met me at the door), and met a woman who was from my town. Her and I sat together when we came in the court room. We got into a good conversation about her and her grandchildren, then about my school and what I was majoring in, and then we talked a bit about my nephew Will. Then, the two clerks came in. I was told, when she called my name and I came up to the counter thingy, that I could either be tried as an adult or student. She told me that since I was enrolled in school and I still live with my parents, the judge would allow me to be tried as a juvenile. Juvenile. That just sounds so...I dunno. So, I told her that I wanted to be tried as a student. She told me to come back at 1 to go before the judge.

So, I walk out to my car and call my parents and told them about the first half of what was going on. They told me to call them when I got out of the second one. So, at about 12:30ish, I go back in and sit in the waiting room until the officer told us we could go in again. So, I went in and sat down. By the time 1 came around, the room was filled and some were even standing. The bailiff ordered everyone to stand. We did and the judge came in. The judge explained a lot of what the clerk explained to us who were in there at 12. He introduced himself, his colleagues, and the clerks. Then, he told us that he would see the students first. We all lined up in front of him. Most were high school. I was the only college age student. He still tried me as a student. He lowered his glasses and asked us one by one what is our plea. I said guilty because I was speeding when I shouldn't have been speeding. True, I had a legitimate reason but that's no excuse for 15 miles over the speed limit.

Once we gave him our plea, he told us a story about a girl who was killed in a car wreck to show us the dangers of having a license and everything. He informed us that we were to write him a 3 page essay on the dangers of driving. But here was the best part. He lowered his glasses again and grinned slightly. His words were, "Now, I bet all of you are wonderin' about your tickets." All of us nodded. He grinned a bit bigger and said, "Well, I ain't gonna make y'all pay the entire fine because I know how much it's gonna cost your parents." All of the parents in that room started applauding. Then, he said, "Instead, I'm gonna take your licenses away for 14 days. The law says I can do it up to 90 days but I think two weeks of grounding is big enough for you guys."

So, after that, I got what I needed for driving school and because my parents weren't with me, I got to keep my license. So, later on that day, me and my dad go back up to the court. We get in the room and he's like, "I'm gonna talk to them about your license." I nodded and we walked in there. He leaned over the counter and looked at the clerk and said, "I know the judge said that he was going to take away licenses to learn a lesson but really and truthfully, this is more punishment to the parents because now we have to carry her around for the next two weeks. Can I just pay the fine of the ticket and her license not get taken away?" The lady was like, "Oh, yeah. That's completely fine. The two week thing was just an alternative. But if you want to pay the ticket, then you can and she won't get her license taken away. But she will still need to come to driving school."

I hope I never have to go through all of that again. I don't speed. I know that. And I will be paying my dad back for the next gajillion years lol. Oh, and even though I have my license, I'm still grounded haha. My dad said I can only drive to and from church, school, and work. I can't do anything all willy nilly. I am grounded until I pay back my dad.

Old School.

1964. My mother was five years old. My father was seven. In this year, TV produced the greatest creation ever made. The classic series, The Addams Family. In my generation, the only reason I know who the Addams Family is is by the cartoon version of the show produced in 1992. I watched that and I watched the movies that were produced in the 90's. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I discovered The Addams Family all began with a series. I always thought it just came out in the 90's. I never knew that the show was a real sitcom.

John Astin, Carolyn Jones, Ted Cassidy, Jackie Coogan, Ken Weatherwax, and Lisa Loring made up the cast. John Astin played Gomez, Carolyn Jones played Morticia, Ted Cassidy played the loveable Lurch, Jackie Coogan played Uncle Fester, Ken Weatherwax played Pugsley, and cute little Lisa played Wednesday. I caught an original episode a couple of weeks ago and I've been hooked ever since. Watching the actual series let me see where the creativity for the movies and the cartoon came from. Though the cartoon and the movies captured, for the most part, the idea of the story, it didn't hold a candle to the original cast. Wednesday and Morticia look a lot alike in the sitcom. That was the first thing I noticed.

The sad part about this is the series ended just after two years. True, they came out with other little movies and shows. It was nothing like the original, however. They released on DVD the original series. And as soon as I get a job, I'm all over that. Until then, I catch reruns on TV Land. It was brave of the producers of the original series to make Morticia and Gomez so in love. Back in that time, it was unheard of to see couples on TV so affectionate. Maybe that's why the series ended so soon. I don't know. But you have to admit, the original show is amazing. It's a pity that Carolyn Jones didn't live long enough to see the success after the series ended. I leave you with this original photo of the cast.

Finding a job is like getting a root canal!

It's harder than you think. I have applied to three different companies for a job. One, St. Dominic Hospital as a day care worker. Two, at Blockbuster in Richland. Three, McAlister's Deli in Richland. I applied to the St. Dominic one like a month ago. I've lost hope in that one. Blockbuster was hiring but when I got there to fill out an application, I was informed that they weren't hiring anymore but to still fill out an application just in case. On my way home today from class, I passed McAlister's Deli. I had worked there a couple of years ago. I thought, what the heck? So, I get there and Barry (general manager) gets me an application. I go home, fill it out, and come back up there. As I walk in, I see the sign that I've been looking for. The infamous Now Hiring sign. I'm thinking, heck yeah. I've worked here before. I'm confident. I should be, right? I mean, I worked there a couple of weeks ago. I halfway know the system. I will need a brush up but I'm feeling pretty confident that I'll get a call back. He told me he had planned on calling me for an interview either today or tomorrow. That works for me. I just hope that I will get a job. I need one. I owe my parents about 200$ for my court fees and ticket fees from the last ticket I got. I told them that I'd give them the money as soon as I get a job.

Working at McAlister's was fun when I did work there. The one in Richland was a blast. The only reason I transfered to the one in Byram was because I had, and I emphasize the word had, a friend who worked there. We're having what most people call a falling out. Basically, she's a word I don't feel comfortable saying. But the definition is a female dog. ANYWAY, I quit the one in Byram because they jipped me on my hours. The one in Richland never jipped me on my hours. Whatever day or time they asked me to come in, I did. And I worked until my manager said, "April, clock out." It's a good job and very close to my house. It's only about a 7 minute drive to and from there. Hopefully, I'll get the job. I need the money in the worst way. And I need a summer job. Hopefully, I will have it. HERE'S TO WISHING!

A very good lesson.

I did learn a very good lesson. So, as my less than happy blog below explains, my mother and I had a bit of a falling out. But the funny thing was, the fight ended just as fast as it began. I wrote her a letter, she read it, then sent one back to me. Though she and I were in the same house, we typed messages to each other as if we were in another state.

All teenagers hate this. Heck, I hate it and I'm in my twenties. There are two words that a teenager does NOT want to hear in sequence. Responsibility Speech. Am I right? Hey, I flat out FEAR that speech. My hit was a bit harder today. But through it all, the most important thing I learned was how to be patient. And independent. My brother is a very independent person. He became independent when he was 16. But why? It's simple and just as easily put by my mother. He's the oldest sibling. I'm the baby. The things that happen to me is because I'm the baby.

I thought my life came crashing down when my mother and I fought today. Let me tell you this, we have NEVER fought like that before. Like it was bad enough to make me cry in front of my mother. And I'm not a cryer. The other thing that set me off was the fact that she told me to shut up even when I tried to apologize. But her saying that made me think about why exactly I was in the boat that I was in.

This lesson kind of goes back to my blog about how crazy the weather is. It is like I said before. You can predict the weather all day long but you don't know for sure what the weather will actually do. I predicted my mother and I would have a great day together. And we did up until our last stop. It's like saying it'll be sunny the entire day and clear the entire night and a freak rain storm comes in and messes up the prediction that the Meteorologist said before. Our fight was the freak rain storm.

Our fight really opened up my thoughts. I'm 20, I'm lazy, I'm stupid, I'm ignorant. But at the same time, I'm creative, I'm smart, and I'm intuitive. My world is like a summer shower. Can't predict em! My mom had every right to be upset. I had every right to be upset. But I think we're stronger. At the end of the day, my mother is still my biggest fan. And I am her's also. That will never ever change no matter how much we fight.

"Dear Mom and Dad..."

The letter won't come until I finish typing this. I am, right now, semi laying on my bed. Tears are falling down my face. My mother and I had the worst fight I think we've ever had and the funny thing is, I didn't realize what I had done until she told me. Today I learned a huge lesson. As I am wiping away the tears that make it hard for me to see my laptop screen, I think about how the day started.

Mom and I were going to go to Open House for the St. Jude house that we had bought a ticket to win. I didn't really want to go but I went anyway because Mom wanted me to go with her. That seemed okay. Then, we went to Zaxbies to eat. Everything was fine there too. But then, we go to Cato. She loves Cato. I can find a couple of things that I like. We were shopping, and this is what is funny. Throughout the entire shopping experience, I was thinking in my mind, "Okay, whatever you do, don't say anything that will set her off and make her mad." I knew I couldn't make her mad because I wanted today to be fun. Well, guess what? It wasn't. And I learned something about myself today. I said one wrong thing. And that one wrong thing made her put everything that she had in her hand on the rack and say to me, "Let's go." God, I tried so hard to not make this happen yet, it did anyway.

I'm not really sure if my mother loves me today or not. I'm sure in the back of her head she does but at the same time, up front, she hates me at this point. I had gotten a few extra items of clothing. I should have known better. I didn't tell her about it but I knew what her choice of words would be if I asked her if I could get a little something extra. She'd sigh and say, "Sure." Not in a cheerful way. In a sort of pissed off way. So, what mistake did I do? I didn't tell her that I got these items of clothing. That was part of our discussion on the way home but not the bulk of it. See, I'm not like my brother. When my brother and my mother got in a fight, Ricky would usually get pissed and as soon as he got home, would leave. Me, if I get in a fight with my mother, even if it's like really small, I cry. It's not to put the guilt trip on anyone in my family it's just the way I handle it when I'm in a fight with someone. I don't mean to put a guilt trip on anyone. I can't help it when I cry. I lost control today on the way home. I tried apologizing and explaining what I'm explaining and am about to explain in this blog to her but she quickly informed me to shut up so, I minded her and only cried softly. When I got home, my intention (which was my intention, no matter what she says,) was to go up to McAlister's and get an application. My plan was when we got out of Cato, I was going to ask her to swing by McAlister's so I could see if I could get an application or talk to the general manager. But that thought left my mind when the fight started. Here comes the letter to my parents. Mom, if you know my blog, then read this.

Dear Mom and Dad,
You know I'm crying as I type this. You probably hear me through my bedroom door. I realize that I am the baby in the family and I got away with more things than Ricky did. I realize that Ricky is the responsible one who got his life together out of high school and is now doing great over in Texas. I realize I'm not like Ricky. I know you will probably scoff and say that this is for another guilt trip but it is not. I'm being sincere and honest and I'd appreciate it if you would read this completely. Mom, you're right. I'm spoiled. You guys have given me everything that I've ever wanted (with the exception of a couple of things that I get myself). Anything that was every in my grasp, you got for me. For the most part, you did the same for Ricky until he got a good job and could provide for himself. But I am not like Ricky. Maybe it's because I'm the baby in the family. You told both Ricky and I that as long as we were in school somewhere, we had a place to stay. However, Ricky didn't take that path. He dropped out, got a great job, packed up, and moved to Dallas. Granted, I don't have a great job like him but that's no excuse for me not having a job now. You guys think I'm not trying to find one. You're wrong. Every day, I'm looking on the Internet and going by places asking if they are hiring. Most tell me no but to fill out an application and they'll keep that on file. I've done it at Kroger, I've done is at Blockbuster, and I've done it at Subway. Also, I have been checking the St. Dominic website trying to see if anything is open there. Nothing would suite me except for the Dominicare job which I have already applied for. Mom, what you said to me when I got ready to go to McAlister's to fill out an application hurt me. Me getting a job didn't just become a priority. Me getting a job didn't become a priority until I got my ticket 3 weeks ago. And In actuality, when I told Leslie that I'd be finding a job elsewhere instead of watching Jordan, I started looking then. You think I'm not trying but I am. And y'know, you're probably looking at this and either shaking your head or laughing. Yeah, you probably don't believe me but what I'm saying is true. Believe it or not, I know it's the truth.

You guys, I do realize that I'm 20 and I still live at home. I do realize that when Ricky was 20, he had a great paying job. Maybe I am lazy. But that doesn't mean I'm not TRYING. Mom, what you said to me when you told me I couldn't go look for a job hurt me. It really did. You telling me to go to my blog on here and saying that you are bitch really hurt me. Mom, I love you. You are my heart and my rock. I admire you. I wish I had your spirit. If anyone's the bitch, I am. I'm not mad at you. That's not why I'm so upset. I'm hurt. I'm hurt because the truth hurts. So many people look up to you and tell you how awesome you are and everything and they tell me how awesome you are and how great you are. You have a lot of fans. Well, your biggest fan is sitting in her room bawling her eyes out because she knows she's screwed up royally. If I could, I'd pack up and leave and show you I can be independent. But I can't. I have two dollars to my name and a little less than a 4th of gas left in my car. You really have no idea how sorry I am for who I am. Contrary to popular belief, I do not get up in the morning and think of ways to either piss you off or make it seem like you hate me. I know you don't but today, the light clicked on. I'm sorry for being the disappointment in this family. I'm sorry for not growing up. I'm sorry for the way I've acted towards you and how I manipulated you. I won't ask you for any help past paying for the ticket. I'm giving you my cell phone and asking you to turn it off. I don't plan on using it again. Cancel my service. I'll buy my own cell phone and my own plan when I have a job and enough money to pay for a bill. As for my car, I do realize that that is a gift but as soon as I get a job, I'll take care of the insurance and maintenance of the car. It's true what you said to me before I came in here to write this. All of this did become a priority. The job didn't but my age did. I'm twenty. I'm old enough to take responsibility. Don't give me back my cell phone. Cancel the service. If I get in a wreck (God forbid), I'll wait until the police get there and then I'll call you guys. As for everything else that I did to you, I'm sorry.

I'm also sorry for lying to you. I've still been having health problems but I've ignored them because I knew you guys were tired of hearing it. The fact of the matter is, I'm still having stomach problems. I only tell you guys that I don't have them because I know what your answer would be. "Ignore them and they will go away." That doesn't work. I do still have problems. I just hide them from you guys. I'm not asking you to do anything. This is just for me to be honest with you guys. Don't take it as me wanting you to do anything. I'll take care of my own medical problems when I get the money to take care of them. True, this experience in Cato did make me realize what was going on and how old I really was. The way I acted would be the way a 12 year old would act. Not a 20 year old. I'm sorry for everything. I take full responsibility for my actions as of 3:44PM March 17, 2007. That's it. I love the both of you, even if you don't right now. I'm sorry for being the semi screw up who is the drama queen acting one who begs for everything and pouts when I don't get it. Won't happen again. I can promise you that.

April

What happened?

The blog above will explain along with a letter to my parents if they know what my blog address is.

What is up with the weather?!

Y'know, I think I'll stop watching the weather channel and bringing up their website to see what the weather will be like. They haven't gotten it right YET. They said we were suppose to get thunderstorms last night. I think I heard one clap of thunder. And on the way home from church, it started raining. It stopped soon after. This morning, I woke up and the sun was shining! Now, granted, the sun isn't shining now. It's cloudy and we just had a shower. Still in all, they were predicting some pretty bad stuff. I didn't see it.

I think in most ways, the weather is like life. You can't predict it. Well, you can predict it but you can't prove it. Isn't that what Meteorologists do? They can't say for sure what the weather will do. Only God can. Isn't that how life is? We can't say for sure what our lives will do. Only God can. I sometimes have to be reminded of that. Sometimes, I think that one thing will happen on a day and then it changes on me in an instant. My dad's health problems is one. I wasn't expecting anything like what we've been through. And to add to everything, we just found out he has Hepatitis C. Another curve ball. See, my dad, Mike Boggan, was in a very bad car wreck in 1971 or 1972. He was with his brother, Ricky Boggan (my brother was named after him). They lost control of their car and crashed. Ricky died because he wasn't wearing his seat belt. My father, Mike, broke both of his legs and had a gash in his head. He was in critical condition. He had to get a lot of blood transfusions. That is how he contracted the disease. That was another prediction my grandparents and my dad couldn't have seen. I'm thankful to say my father is alive and well.

Broken record here. God has a plan for EVERYTHING. He makes the good things happen but He also throws those curve balls to test our faith. My dad may have Hypertension, Diabetes, and Hepatitis C. But God did that for a reason. Satan always loves to put those thoughts in your mind saying, "Blame God. He did it. Your life sucks because of Him." Wrong. It is God that is saying, "I sent you that for a reason. You must learn a lesson in this. I know you can do it." That's what keeps me going every day. Is God sending you "Faith Challenges"?