"Dear Mom and Dad..."

The letter won't come until I finish typing this. I am, right now, semi laying on my bed. Tears are falling down my face. My mother and I had the worst fight I think we've ever had and the funny thing is, I didn't realize what I had done until she told me. Today I learned a huge lesson. As I am wiping away the tears that make it hard for me to see my laptop screen, I think about how the day started.

Mom and I were going to go to Open House for the St. Jude house that we had bought a ticket to win. I didn't really want to go but I went anyway because Mom wanted me to go with her. That seemed okay. Then, we went to Zaxbies to eat. Everything was fine there too. But then, we go to Cato. She loves Cato. I can find a couple of things that I like. We were shopping, and this is what is funny. Throughout the entire shopping experience, I was thinking in my mind, "Okay, whatever you do, don't say anything that will set her off and make her mad." I knew I couldn't make her mad because I wanted today to be fun. Well, guess what? It wasn't. And I learned something about myself today. I said one wrong thing. And that one wrong thing made her put everything that she had in her hand on the rack and say to me, "Let's go." God, I tried so hard to not make this happen yet, it did anyway.

I'm not really sure if my mother loves me today or not. I'm sure in the back of her head she does but at the same time, up front, she hates me at this point. I had gotten a few extra items of clothing. I should have known better. I didn't tell her about it but I knew what her choice of words would be if I asked her if I could get a little something extra. She'd sigh and say, "Sure." Not in a cheerful way. In a sort of pissed off way. So, what mistake did I do? I didn't tell her that I got these items of clothing. That was part of our discussion on the way home but not the bulk of it. See, I'm not like my brother. When my brother and my mother got in a fight, Ricky would usually get pissed and as soon as he got home, would leave. Me, if I get in a fight with my mother, even if it's like really small, I cry. It's not to put the guilt trip on anyone in my family it's just the way I handle it when I'm in a fight with someone. I don't mean to put a guilt trip on anyone. I can't help it when I cry. I lost control today on the way home. I tried apologizing and explaining what I'm explaining and am about to explain in this blog to her but she quickly informed me to shut up so, I minded her and only cried softly. When I got home, my intention (which was my intention, no matter what she says,) was to go up to McAlister's and get an application. My plan was when we got out of Cato, I was going to ask her to swing by McAlister's so I could see if I could get an application or talk to the general manager. But that thought left my mind when the fight started. Here comes the letter to my parents. Mom, if you know my blog, then read this.

Dear Mom and Dad,
You know I'm crying as I type this. You probably hear me through my bedroom door. I realize that I am the baby in the family and I got away with more things than Ricky did. I realize that Ricky is the responsible one who got his life together out of high school and is now doing great over in Texas. I realize I'm not like Ricky. I know you will probably scoff and say that this is for another guilt trip but it is not. I'm being sincere and honest and I'd appreciate it if you would read this completely. Mom, you're right. I'm spoiled. You guys have given me everything that I've ever wanted (with the exception of a couple of things that I get myself). Anything that was every in my grasp, you got for me. For the most part, you did the same for Ricky until he got a good job and could provide for himself. But I am not like Ricky. Maybe it's because I'm the baby in the family. You told both Ricky and I that as long as we were in school somewhere, we had a place to stay. However, Ricky didn't take that path. He dropped out, got a great job, packed up, and moved to Dallas. Granted, I don't have a great job like him but that's no excuse for me not having a job now. You guys think I'm not trying to find one. You're wrong. Every day, I'm looking on the Internet and going by places asking if they are hiring. Most tell me no but to fill out an application and they'll keep that on file. I've done it at Kroger, I've done is at Blockbuster, and I've done it at Subway. Also, I have been checking the St. Dominic website trying to see if anything is open there. Nothing would suite me except for the Dominicare job which I have already applied for. Mom, what you said to me when I got ready to go to McAlister's to fill out an application hurt me. Me getting a job didn't just become a priority. Me getting a job didn't become a priority until I got my ticket 3 weeks ago. And In actuality, when I told Leslie that I'd be finding a job elsewhere instead of watching Jordan, I started looking then. You think I'm not trying but I am. And y'know, you're probably looking at this and either shaking your head or laughing. Yeah, you probably don't believe me but what I'm saying is true. Believe it or not, I know it's the truth.

You guys, I do realize that I'm 20 and I still live at home. I do realize that when Ricky was 20, he had a great paying job. Maybe I am lazy. But that doesn't mean I'm not TRYING. Mom, what you said to me when you told me I couldn't go look for a job hurt me. It really did. You telling me to go to my blog on here and saying that you are bitch really hurt me. Mom, I love you. You are my heart and my rock. I admire you. I wish I had your spirit. If anyone's the bitch, I am. I'm not mad at you. That's not why I'm so upset. I'm hurt. I'm hurt because the truth hurts. So many people look up to you and tell you how awesome you are and everything and they tell me how awesome you are and how great you are. You have a lot of fans. Well, your biggest fan is sitting in her room bawling her eyes out because she knows she's screwed up royally. If I could, I'd pack up and leave and show you I can be independent. But I can't. I have two dollars to my name and a little less than a 4th of gas left in my car. You really have no idea how sorry I am for who I am. Contrary to popular belief, I do not get up in the morning and think of ways to either piss you off or make it seem like you hate me. I know you don't but today, the light clicked on. I'm sorry for being the disappointment in this family. I'm sorry for not growing up. I'm sorry for the way I've acted towards you and how I manipulated you. I won't ask you for any help past paying for the ticket. I'm giving you my cell phone and asking you to turn it off. I don't plan on using it again. Cancel my service. I'll buy my own cell phone and my own plan when I have a job and enough money to pay for a bill. As for my car, I do realize that that is a gift but as soon as I get a job, I'll take care of the insurance and maintenance of the car. It's true what you said to me before I came in here to write this. All of this did become a priority. The job didn't but my age did. I'm twenty. I'm old enough to take responsibility. Don't give me back my cell phone. Cancel the service. If I get in a wreck (God forbid), I'll wait until the police get there and then I'll call you guys. As for everything else that I did to you, I'm sorry.

I'm also sorry for lying to you. I've still been having health problems but I've ignored them because I knew you guys were tired of hearing it. The fact of the matter is, I'm still having stomach problems. I only tell you guys that I don't have them because I know what your answer would be. "Ignore them and they will go away." That doesn't work. I do still have problems. I just hide them from you guys. I'm not asking you to do anything. This is just for me to be honest with you guys. Don't take it as me wanting you to do anything. I'll take care of my own medical problems when I get the money to take care of them. True, this experience in Cato did make me realize what was going on and how old I really was. The way I acted would be the way a 12 year old would act. Not a 20 year old. I'm sorry for everything. I take full responsibility for my actions as of 3:44PM March 17, 2007. That's it. I love the both of you, even if you don't right now. I'm sorry for being the semi screw up who is the drama queen acting one who begs for everything and pouts when I don't get it. Won't happen again. I can promise you that.

April