Fear

Paranoid, Scaredy-cat, Worry-wart. These three names I know very well. I am, what most people call, paranoid. I do suffer from paranoia. But why? Why should I be scared? I'm a Christian, I know God is protecting me, and I live in the safest neighborhood in Florence, Mississippi. So, why am I still so scared?

I guess it started when my brother still lived at home. Him and I were often left alone when my parents went to work. Ricky and I were the big arguers in my family. My sister and brother never arugued as bad as Ricky and I did. When I got on his nerves too bad, he would take me into the bathroom, turn off the light so I can't reach it, and close the door and lock it. Of course, I scream at him to let me out but he won't.

While I would be sitting there in the dark waiting for him to let me out, (there are no windows in my bathroom) I tried to stay calm. Now, all of this happened when I was about seven or eight. Ricky was either eleven or twelve. Just old enough to start watching me by himself. But while I sat there in the dark, things began to happen. Unexplainable things. Being so young, I still believed in things like the boogeyman and monsters. So, of course, being in a pitch black room, I got scared whenever I heard one sound. He'd usually let me out within five minutes.

Being twenty, you would think I would have forgotten about something that happen almost fifteen years ago. But no. It stayed with me until we moved to Florence. We lived in South Jackson when he did this. Things stayed with me, however, even after we moved to Florence. I would sleep with my door open and turn on the bathroom light (because the bathroom was right next to my room) to sleep. But soon, my dad started turning off the bathroom light saying it was running up the electricity bill.

As years passed, I still feared the dark. And I still fear the dark now. I sleep with my TV on just to have light and noise. If it were completely silent in my room, every bump that I heard would scare me so bad I'd have to get up. I found my mind playing its own tricks on me. Even with the TV on, I would see things. Shadows. Shadows were the worst. Or, I'd be laying in bed, watching TV to relax to go to sleep and I'd see something that looked like a roach crawling up my wall. Of course, I very quickly turned on my light but nothing was there.

The other thing that scared me so bad was when I'd be just about asleep. I'd feel what felt like fingers going across my back. That would freak me out so bad that I'd go and sleep with my mother.

Who knew that what happened fifteen years ago would haunt me even today? I do know that ghosts exist. But I also know that the boogeyman and monsters are not. So, why do I still fear them? Could it have been Ricky? Or was it Satan trying to scare me into blaming it on my brother? I can't answer that. But when I get so scared I can't even sleep, I say a small prayer and that eases my mind enough to fall asleep. God is my security blanket. Not just at night when I'm scared but all of the time in my life.